KF2 Satire Guide: How to Be the Worst Teammate (Early Access)

This Early Access era guide for Killing Floor 2 is pure sarcasm. The author promises to "craft you into the type of player who ruins the game for everyone else", and then lists the habits that do exactly that. The useful part is the reverse reading: each joke below points at a real mistake you can avoid.

Berserker

The Berserker, the first perk the satire takes apart.

The "bad" Berserker sprints around the map for ammo and armor on wave 1, turns away from a Scrake or Fleshpound instead of tanking it, uses stun grenades as damage tools, never self-heals with Q, welds doors for no reason, keeps dosh instead of helping late joiners, and hits Bloats in the belly 15 times instead of shooting the head once.

What to do instead:

• Learn the parry: block with the secondary fire just before a hit lands, and a Berserker can tank a Scrake or Fleshpound while the team heals and supports.
• Use stun grenades to stall a crowd, not to kill Clots.
• Heal yourself between fights and aim at weak points.
• Share money with players who died or joined late.

Field Medic

Healing is the Medic's whole job.

The satirical Medic ignores team health bars and plays like a faster Commando. He heals the 98% player before the 20% player, throws healing grenades at a raging Scrake or into a crowd with a Siren inside, rushes into a boss alone, skips the armor-boosting skill for self-regeneration, and keeps shooting Hans Volter instead of healing a player the boss has grabbed.

Do the opposite: heal the most hurt player first, keep the healing cloud away from enemies you do not want to buff, support the Berserker who is holding a big Zed, and stay close enough to the team to keep darts landing. Extra Medics in a lobby are rarely wasted if they actually heal rather than race each other to the same teammate.

Commando

Commando and Support share most of the same sins in the guide.

The bad Commando wastes grenades on small Zeds, sprays full auto into a headless Bloat, never uses iron sights or short bursts, charges into a Scrake or Fleshpound before thinning the crowd around it, and never heals himself. A good one saves grenades for the big targets, fires in controlled bursts and cleans up the escorts first.

Support

The satire Support picks a useless regeneration skill at level 10, spends level 20 on carrying weight instead of damage, plays the double-barrel shotgun in point-blank crowds, wastes AA12 shells on lone Clots, never throws grenades at big Zeds, buys a six-shot gun that adds little and welds doors right next to the trader as the team leaves.

The lesson: use the damage bonus on the AA12 and pump shotgun, shoot big targets from a distance and never be among the first three players close to a raging Zed, use grenades on Scrakes, Fleshpounds and bosses, and weld doors only when it helps.

Tips for anyone

The long list of "universal" bad habits can be turned into a short checklist:

• Do not run into close fights with an empty magazine.
• Do not pick up ammo and armor you do not need; leave them for teammates.
• Do not weld every door on wave 1 and stand around.
• Use grenades on big targets.
• If a teammate goes down, share his gun money.
• Heal yourself instead of spamming the heal voice command.
• Pick a defensive position that does not let Zeds attack from five angles.
• Do not steal a Berserker's kills or block a camper's line of fire.
• Do not provoke a Scrake with friendly fire arguments; kill it or kite it with purpose.
• Do not hoard dosh dropped for others.
• Kill the Siren early; shooting her escorts first only helps her scream.
• Stay with the team under heavy attack.
• Do not make the lobby wait for the full ready timer when everyone is ready.
• Do not blame others in chat, do not mock people with fewer kills.
• Do not jump into Suicidal or higher difficulty without knowing the game.

Boss fight: Hans Volter

Hans Volter, the Early Access boss.

The sarcastic boss plan: fight in a wide open area with no cover, weld doors around you, kite him across the whole map, shoot him during his hunt phase (temporary 85% damage reduction), ignore players he has grabbed, walk into the toxic gas, stand next to his grenades, never practice on a four-wave game and die in the first ten seconds. Reverse all of it: use cover, respect the damage reduction phases, save a grabbed teammate and keep out of the gas.

Advice for the developers

The author also pokes fun at Tripwire: a slow update pace, new skins that are mostly re-skins, the Santa and chicken costumes, the Scrake being more dangerous than the Fleshpound, solid players blocking the trader, perk trees with two dull choices, perks that feel like the Commando with different guns, and a matchmaking filter that dropped you into empty lobbies. He closes by telling everyone to just have fun.