KF2 Harmful Advice: A Satire of What Not to Do in Co-op

A Russian satirical guide in the style of Grigory Oster's "Harmful Advice" (the quoted epigraph is "If too many people are chasing you..."). Every tip is a joke: it is the opposite of how to play. Read it as a checklist of habits to avoid. For real advice see general tips and team composition.

The guide's header art.

The ten "tips" and what they really teach

1. "In wave 1 run as one crowd, hose the Clots down and do not spare ammo." Real lesson: do not waste ammo early.
2. "Demolitionist, run to the Firebug; defending a passage with two area-damage perks is easier. Support and Commando should join too." Real lesson: area-damage perks do pair well, but crowding one spot is a joke when taken to the extreme.
3. "Never hold a position, it is boring predictability; run between passages. If the team holds a circle, leave to look for ammo and shovels. Allies will be glad of extra mobs in their rear." Real lesson: keep your position, do not leave the team exposed.
4. "Medic, your goal is not healing; you are a born tank, go clear the opposite end of the map heroically." Real lesson: stay with the team and heal.
5. "Ignore class weapons; take only what you like." Real lesson: perk weapons carry the perk bonuses.

An illustration from the middle of the guide.

6. "If someone overconfidently fights 3-4 Clots or Crawlers or tries to kill a Bloat or Husk alone, rush to help, then remind them it is a team game and any Berserker takes five to kill." Real lesson: help, but do not lecture.
7. "A headless Bloat or other ZED that has not died yet is a frag you must finish for XP and money; let nobody earn more than you." Real lesson: do not steal kills.
8. "If a teammate throws a grenade into a crowd, throw yours in the same spot, since the full effect needs 3 or 4; otherwise help with a shotgun or AK, and let them say thanks." Real lesson: do not waste grenades on the same spot.
9. "If the team retreats from the boss toward you, stand in the narrowest passage and block the cowardly retreat." Real lesson: never block teammates' escape.
10. "If you die, first find who is guilty, scold them in chat and list everyone's flaws." Real lesson: do not blame; communicate calmly.

The closing illustration.

"Also very useful" (the bad habits)

The author's satirical bonus list of things not to do:

• Weld your allies in.
• Leave the Support no ammo (he has his own).
• Do not give money to the Demolitionist for an RPG or to the Sharpshooter for a Railgun, in case they kill everything without you.
• Pick up dead teammates' weapons and sell them.
• Finish burning ZEDs so the Firebug learns a lesson.
• Constantly split up alone or in small groups.
• Use the Berserker as bait, finishing everything he runs at.
• Firebug and Commando should shoot only at bosses, ignoring trash.
• Demolitionist should fire RPGs only at crowds of Clots and lone Sirens, preferably close.
• When a tough ZED appears, everyone shoots only it and ignores Sirens, Bloats and Husks.
• When several Scrakes appear, split up to shoot at all of them.

"...but there is no need to slow down while doing it," adds the author. Every one of these is the opposite of good teamplay.